Time

What will I do for the rest of my life? With three kids off to college, I'm at a crossroad. I'm not quite sure what will be next for me and pursuing the answer is a bit harder than I anticipated. The problem is....I've adored the job I've had up 'till now. Harried and too busy and a little crazy though it may have been, I wouldn't have changed a thing. I simply need to be realistic in admitting to myself that now, for a large portion of the year, demands on my time will be different. I want to continue to spend it in meaningful ways. I want my choices to be to be purposeful and intentional.

After ten years working in my chosen field, and after bouncing-boy number three came into our world...... and after my beloved finished up many, many years of grad school, I changed jobs and began a career of full-time motherhood. That in and of itself is a long story, much of which I'm sure I'll cover at some point. But for now....the years have flown by way too quickly and without my permission, and the full-time aspect of something I loved is coming to an end. It's time to readjust. To figure out what matters. I know that sounds dramatic. The ultimate goal of every parent is that their children grow up strong and healthy and confident and educated. And mine did, so I feel grateful and happy and fortunate. Truly and thoroughly.

Still...it's all a bit jolting. I know that what's opening up before me is amazing. I have more hours and less chaos. More control and more choices..... and yet I find that frightening. I'm feeling the same way I feel when on a car trip we discover a really cool small town. We drive down an amazing main street with wide sidewalks and actual available parking spaces. On either side are local shops and bakeries with enticing smells wafting out the door. There may be a coffee shop with wooden chairs and tables, a few restaurants, a couple of art galleries, a fly-fishing shop. At one end I see beautiful mountain peaks, at the other a park that holds the Saturday Farmer's Market. It's all much-too-much! I can't decide whether to shop or hike or eat. Or wander the galleries. Or try my hand at fly-fishing. Or sit in the park and listen to live music. Or get out my camera and go take pictures of it all. Or stop for a cup of coffee to make an organized list of what to do for the next few days. Or just be carefree and play it by ear.

 At this point I'm feeling that if I make a choice and settle on, for example, the bakery, once I get inside I'll just stand there staring at the rich offerings on the shelves behind glass  for awhile. Breathing in the sweet cinnamon smells. Unable to choose between the frosted one with raisins or the apple filled one with maple glaze. And maybe that's what I need to do for a few minutes......or quite a bit longer. Stand and stare and think...and not choose too quickly.